The 6 Ways Your Child Might 'Talk the Talk,' but Can’t 'Walk the Walk'
Recently, one of the parents I work with told me about the confusing and sometimes maddening behavior her teenage son was exhibiting — seemingly on repeat. She would talk to her son about something that needed to be done, or their plans for later that day, and her son appeared to be listening and engaged. He would nod his head in understanding, and even repeat back what the parent communicated, leaving her feeling that there was a clear understanding. And then, sometimes immediately, this teen would do the exact opposite of what was discussed.
It was as though their conversation never happened.
And the most confusing and maddening piece?
When the parent would address it with her son, he would get defensive, lash out, or shut down, all the while claiming ignorance. She was clearly confused about why her teenage son, who appeared to be on the same page when they communicated, would repeatedly seem like he could “talk the talk,” but could rarely “walk the walk.”
As we begin to understand that the brain is always connected to behaviors, and that when we are parenting a child or teen with brain-based differences they have behavioral symptoms, things that were previously confusing or frustrating start to make more sense. Pieces begin to fall into place related to struggles with cognitive skills like executive functioning, abstract thinking, rigid thinking, sensory integration and processing pace. We begin to see more clearly how our children experience the world differently than we ever imagined. And from there, we learn how we can support and parent differently. But as is the case with all of these brain tasks, there are the obvious ones that our kids struggle with, and then some that are not-so-obvious to us, but which nonetheless cause our child to struggle on a daily basis.
Language and communication is one such category — a collection of lagging skills that is often missed, leaving kids like yours and mine vulnerable to being misunderstood, and at risk for being punished for their brain-based behavioral symptoms. I want to take a moment to break down how lagging skills specific to language and communication present behaviorally, so you can better recognize these lags in your own child or teen, and from there feel more confident in developing targeted accommodations and in advocating for your child in their various environments.
1) Not understanding or retaining spoken directions or instructions
Many parents I’ve worked with misunderstand this specific area as their child being manipulative, intentionally defiant, or “faking ignorance.” It’s hard for the parent to wrap their mind around the idea that their young child or teen cannot understand the simple and straightforward directions they’ve been given to complete a seemingly easy task. When parents understand that this is a common occurrence, even with older teens and young adults living with neurobehavioral conditions, they can reframe this behavior and develop accommodations that are rooted in understanding and empathy.
2) Doesn't understand or follow back and forth of conversations; doesn't seem to “get it”
I have often referred to the ability to have a back and forth conversation with another person as the “art” of having a conversation. The reason for this is that there are many cognitive skills involved in doing this successfully, with language and communication being front and center. Your child or teen may participate in the conversation as best they can, nodding along as though they understand, and it’s only later that something they do or say tips you off to the fact that they have no clue as to what was being discussed with them.
3) Unable to express concerns, needs, thoughts or emotions in words
I recently wrote a blog post about why some therapy modalities are not effective for many young people with neurobehavioral conditions, and one of the major reasons is this common struggle: the child’s inability to express concerns, needs, thoughts, or emotions in words. This is why, as parents, we need to learn their unique “expressive” language, so we can better understand the internal world they’re not always able to share with us through words.
4) Talks better than they understand
I've already mentioned the phrase, “He/she/they can talk the talk, but can’t walk the walk.” That has always been a perfect descriptor of how this lagging skill shows up behaviorally for so many kids and teens. Although this particular behavior looks and feels intentional to us as (especially with older kids!) I'd like to present an alternative explanation: Your child is lagging significantly behind in language and communication skills, meaning they weren’t following the conversation in the first place, and did not leave with a clear understanding (or any understanding) of the plan or expectation. Your child may say they understand, but then act in a way that shows there was no understanding, or they’ll be completely “off topic” in any additional follow-up conversation.
5) Talks excessively, but never reaches a point or allows for back and forth conversation
I know, from my own parenting experience, how exhausting this particular behavioral symptom can be, when there is endless talking or chatter from your child or teen, with no real “substance.” Not only does it feel like there’s never a clear point being made or an intention or ability to “wrap it up,” it is also nearly impossible to redirect them or to interrupt the flow. This behavior is a characteristic that can overlap with getting stuck in verbal loops, a form of perseveration, but is often also rooted in lagging communication and language skills.
6) Confabulates (may tell a story that sounds like a lie)
Confabulation is fascinating from a neuroscience perspective, because of what is happening in the brain, and then how the behavioral symptoms show up. I don’t know a parent who is not triggered when they believe they are being lied to, and yet if this has been your experience as a parent, I want to present an alternative possibility as to what exactly might be happening with your child or teen in these moments. You can learn more about confabulation, or what I describe as “telling a truthful lie,” by checking out these articles linked here and here.
So, knowing that lagging skills are likely impacting language and communication, what can we, as parents, do to support a child or teen with these lagging cognitive skills?
There are endless opportunities for creative accommodations, based on how your unique child’s brain works and the specific environments in which they are struggling. Here are a few accommodation ideas, specific to language and communication, to help get you started:
Check for understanding around the key pieces of a conversation they’ve had with you or someone else, ideally through a means other than speaking.
If your child or teen is expected to communicate information to you from another adult (for example, from a teacher or a coach), connect with that adult and let them know that you need to have the information directly to be sure there is understanding of the expectations.
Write down (or create another visual) to reinforce and clarify directions or instructions in addition to the initial conversation.
When your child or teen is stuck in “chatty” mode, distract with playfulness, humor, by offering a favorite snack, or another positive distraction that may help them transition out of that state.
Be on the lookout for behaviors that give you an indication of how your child is feeling, so you don’t need to rely entirely on their verbal communication skills for this information. For example: connecting the dots that your child picks at their skin when they are anxious about an upcoming event, or that they become “sassy” in their demeanor, and more defiant (rigid) in their behavior when they are overwhelmed by a looming school day, or maybe they say or do hurtful things when they are feeling sad or frustrated themselves.
Accept the need to reteach, knowing that the ability to pick up every piece of the conversation you have with them may be very limited.
Eileen Devine works in Portland, OR as a therapist and coach supporting parents of children with special needs. She is also a consultant for families impacted by FASD, PANS/PANDAS and other neurobehavioral conditions through her private practice, working with families nationally and internationally. She lives with her husband and two amazing kids, one of whom happens to live with FASD. For more information, visit eileendevine.com.
